Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Fiver - Episode V: Give Me 1, 2, 3, 4, But If You Love Me More, Give Me 5.

"Nah, nah, I ain't putting that shit in my car, yo," said the little man in gangster-lite attire with the best Brooklyn 'tude he could muster this far west of the Ol's Miss. He was a twerpy white guy, ebbing toward proto-minority, but landing squarely in Turtle-from-Entourage territory ('cept not nearly as cuddly or fun-loving). "I drive a Lexus. I puts 91 in that shit, know what I mean? I ain't putting no 89 in my shits.""

He looked around the mini mart to see if anyone caught on that despite his abysmal Tommy Hilfiger garb, flat brimmed ball cap, ridiculous skyscraper sneakers and banal tattoos running up the bottom of each of his chubby forearms, this stout and husky lil' fella did indeed drive a L-E-X-U-S (and an SUV, no less). He most likely viewed women and steaks with the same reverence.

Nobody seemed impressed.

"Hey! Hey! Just gimme back the money I gave you. The pump ain't working," he said as if he was owning the room and everyone around witnessing his tantrum was his audience inhaling the fumes.

"It's working just fine," answered the Middle Eastern man behind the counter, battling barrages and whittling down a long line of customers as fast as his stubby fingers could pound keys and shuffle bills. I imagine, for some inexplicable reason he was once a surgeon or a minister of some high regard back wherever home once was and still very much is. And now, here he is, suffering this schmuck. "Go try again!"

"Nah! Just gimme back my money! You don't know what your doing." Lexus-driver's friend walks in looking like dude's svelter, half-finished clone and grabs a bag of beef jerky from a display. The clone hands it off to his frustrated friend and walks back outside. "C'mon. Gimme my cash back. You don't know what you're doing." he says, cutting in front of some guy buying gum. "Oh, and take this off what I gave you. Just gimme the change!"

Counter intelligence hands Lexus Luthor a wad singles and he huffs out, beaming his shoulder on one of the automatic sliding front doors and knocking it off its track. Walking out to his much-vaunted Lexus, he mutters under his breath audibly, "Un-fuckin'-believable!" 

You're telling me. Do you know what that beef jerky shit'll do to your gestural-intestinal system? Yikes!


1. Raphael Saadiq "Heart Attack"
From the album Stone Rollin' (2011, Sony Records)
Man, didn't it seem like the Brit's were kicking our asses in the field of doo-wop-inspired booty-shaking Motown-esque ditties there for a while. Then along comes this Raphael Saadiq fella, and it's all like, "Get out of my car, Amy Winehouse!"

2. Plan B "She Said"
From the album The Defamation Of Strickland Banks (2011, 679 Recordings, Ltd.)
Speaking of Brits, I love it when they rap in the middle of their songs. While American rappers rap about poverty, a life of crime, making money, and their healthy respect for women, British rappers "spit rhymes" about things like small, fuel efficient cars, "crisps," and celebrities you've never heard of. "Sho' nuff, guv'na!"

3. Youth Lagoon "July"
From the single July/Cannons (2011, self released)
I like this song because it sounds like the soundtrack to the saddest, most solemn 4th Of July celebration there ever was. "We're gathered here to celebrate our Nation's birth... and to remember the time Bob got that M80 jammed in his eye socket." 

4. Fleet Foxes "Lorelai"
From the album Happiness Blues (2011, Sub Pop)
Please, for the love of God, stop calling Fleet Foxes "...indie-rock's Grateful Dead." That's the kind of shit that makes this band want to quit their label, go into hiding and eat It's-Its by the metric ton. Anyway, everyone already knows that My Morning Jacket is indie-rock's Grateful Dead, anyway. Pfft!

5. Ganglians "Jungle"
From the album Still Living (2011, Lefse Records)
I defy you - DEFY YOU!!! - not to rob a bank upon listening to this new track by Ganglians. It's impossible. In fact, I'm writing this review from a holding cell while awaiting trial for armed robbery (which, I'm told, is also a Federal offense). Big Brother, I'm just trying to get jiggy with it. C'mon!

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